Heart Like a Dog

The Good, the Bad, and the Oh My God of living with dogs!

Dearest Delilah

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Dearest Delilah,

It has been 365 days since I last held and kissed you.  I want you to know how much I miss you.  Not a day goes by when I don’t think of you and tear up and there are many days when I still outright sob.

Sweet Delilah

Your passing left a hole in my soul that I can’t close, no matter how hard I try.  There are so many things I miss.

  • Those little grumbles you made when I moved my feet while you were sleeping.
  • How you insisted you were a lap dog, despite being almost 70 pounds.
  • How you jumped when I prepared your dinner.
  • How you’d meet me at the top of the stairs, with a toy in your mouth when I came home.
  • How willing you were to go for a walk, even in the cold and dark weather.

Most of all, I want to thank you for saving me after Sampson left.  You kept me going, gave me a sense of normalcy.

I talk to you and Sampson every night (as you know.) But I wanted to write this here, to let you know how much I loved and still love you and how I miss you with my whole heart.

Until we meet at the bridge, my love.

Your devoted Mom

(To the few of you who still read this blog, I do have plans to post about Delilah’s passing, I just can’t bring myself to finish it yet. Thank you for hanging in there with me.)

Happy 17th Birthday in Heaven, Sampson

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My love,

Today you would have turned 17. I honestly never had the breath to hope for 17 years with you, although I know there are some dogs that do live to that age. Still, the fact you are not here saddens me.  Not a day goes by when I don’t think of you and Delilah and shed at least a few tears. Life here is lonely without you. I’m lost with no sense of purpose.  Blogging no longer brings me joy, though I feel compelled on birthdays and death dates to push myself to write. There are no more new photos, no puppy kisses, cuddles or walks.

More than anything I wish Heaven had visiting hours, but then again, I’d probably never leave you.

Happy Birthday my sweet boy, I will always be grateful you chose me for your Mama.

My Darling Delilah

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My darling Delilah,

Today is six months since your Dad and I made the heartbreaking decision to send you to the bridge.

I should have written about that day well before now, but truthfully, I was so shattered, I just couldn’t sit down and write it out.

2020 was a shit year. It was for everyone. The only saving grace for me was that I was able to be home with you and Sampson in your last days.

 

We helped Sampson to the bridge in May, it was horrible for me as you well know.  But you saved me.  You got me up in the morning, gave me purpose to my day. You snuggled me at night and your fur caught my tears as I cried for my boy.

I always said you wanted to be an only dog and I’m truly grateful you had that opportunity. For seven months, you were the center of our world.

On your gotcha day, long, long ago, I I promised you I wouldn’t be another human that failed you.  So on that horrible day in December, when you gave us the signal you were ready to leave and even though we weren’t, we honored you, your life and your decision and we let you go.

We were both exhausted that first day.

Our journey was never an easy one. In the early years I couldn’t take you off leash as you would run off.  You’d find ways to escape the yard and go off exploring, ignoring our requests to come back. You ate EVERYTHING, chocolate, supplements, colored pencils, butter, pancake batter, corned beef (off the counter!), oil in the spaghetti pan, you even took a hot dog right from the pan on the stove! I used to joke the vet’s office would take bets before answering the phone, to see what you’d eaten that week.

Delilah, you were the dog I never knew I wanted or needed.  You were wild, determined, stubborn.  You lived life to the fullest, did whatever the hell you wanted.  You challenged me, pushed me to the brink, frustrated the hell out of me.  But that process bonded us, it taught us to trust each other, to have faith in each other and yes, to love each other.


You taught us that sometimes, journeys aren’t straight forward or easy, that sometimes the things we want aren’t always what we think they are, but having faith and perseverance can bring us so much joy.

I never thought your loss would be harder than Sampson’s, yet here we are.  Six months later and my heart is still shattered. I miss you SO much, it’s like an incredible ache in my heart.  I feel empty and lost. I feel like I’m in a place of darkness and I can’t find my way out.

You were a dog that legends are made of and your legend lives on in this blog. It will live on in any dogs we have in the future.

You and I weren’t perfect, but we were perfect together and I’m so, so grateful that you picked me to be your mom.

Rest easy my princess,

Mama

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